Expectancy Amidst Incongruity

Her belly bulged. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Scorned by eyebrows raised she retreated within herself to the trove of  treasures. Two hearts beat within her. Hearts that held the hope of redemption beat blood that would be spilled. Unfathomable grace in the pangs of birth and the pains of death. Did Mary expect such wonders, such shame, such unconditional spousal love?

My questions rub harsh. If she was such an honored woman for bearing such a special child what good did the humiliation and humble surroundings serve? If he had found such a virtuous girl to marry why did his name have to be dragged through the dirt? What purpose does such incongruity serve? The answer goes against the grain and scrapes all the easy away.

“Redemption birthed in incongruity paid the unfair price for humanity.”

This plane grinds daily for a few years now. Each stroke of expectancies adjusted cuts away at the jagged pride of know-it-all-ism. The stripping back exposes raw stripes of my core being.

Now the questions drip bitter like sap, like tears, like a bleeding side. If we have seen Your goodness over and over again how long must I battle with doubt and ulcer inducing fear? If we are doing the things thought saintly by others how much shame should I feel at debilitating fury in the face of lack? What purpose does such incongruity serve?

“Your life is the resurrected, alive again and walking around example of redemption birthed in incongruity which paid the unfair price for humanity.”

Seen in the big and the small these uneven edges of life knock me off balance. They told us four months. Did we not hear the twenty that was supposed to come before the four? The propaganda is prolific painting pretty pictures of adding by adoption. Does the fine print on the posters say anything about being too exhausted to even try to get up the gumption to try to want to connect? So she can dress herself and count to eleven but she freezes when told to do simpler tasks that should be a breeze but instead are a thick fog .

I know I am too hard on myself. I know I am too hard on my kids. I know I am too hard on others. Do I adjust my expectancies? Do I have any other choice? Did Mary?

It wasn’t just a weird dream when the truth was confirmed by missing once, then twice. Adjusting expectancies amidst incongruity boggles the analytical, pattern seeking brain. Adjusting expectancies amidst incongruity wages war on logic to allow sanity to win. May I have the same peace of mind and ability to remember a crazy dream so that I too, like sweet Mary, can just learn to go with it.

Redemption birthed in incongruity paid the unfair price for me.

2 thoughts on “Expectancy Amidst Incongruity

  1. I’ll be chewing on this: “Redemption birthed in incongruity paid the unfair price for humanity.”

    Know what? I love your heart. And the way it’s expressed in your words.

  2. i really felt this resonate within me but i will not fully be able to recognize the truth that God is breathing to me until i can get away and meditate and pray.
    you expressed something so personal in a very honest and vulnerable way. the emotional truth that you speak about your own heart is what makes this universally relatable. it is a blessing to recieve such a beautiful truth about our savior described in such a tender way.
    thank you Angie for sharing.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s